Marriage Seminar – Talk Preparation 1

Selecting, Writing and Workshopping of talks.

One of the main activities of being a marriage seminar presenter is the preparation of talks for the marriage seminar. Below are some guidelines for going about this process with some note on the mentality that underpins the seminar.

Talk Notes

Each talk is comprised of some introductory notes, the teaching content, instructions for sharings, and instructions for directing the couple exercises. Examples of suitable sharings and additional tips are in marriage seminar included at the back of each talk outline. Presenters should focus on the sharings as the first priority. These are what will be workshopped with a Facilitator. Always download the outline from the website, as updates and refinements are frequently made to improve the effectiveness of the seminar.

Sharings – Select a sharing

1. Read the content of the talk through to the end.
2. Read the sharing instructions.
3. Think of some examples from your own life that illustrate the point and make some notes.  This can be done privately through reflection or prayer or it may be a more active brainstorming process.  Refer to your notes from your own marraige seminar.
4. Discuss with your spouse.

1. Dot point your ideas for the sharing
2. Check in with your workshopper at this stage, to ensure you are ‘on track’.
3. Do not be afraid to share your weaknesses – by sharing deeply of our limitations we provide permission for couples to share deeply with each other.  Generally speaking, the deeper the sharings of the presenting couples, the deeper the discovery for the participating couples. Our strengths make us admirable, our weaknesses make us lovable.
4. Write or type the sharing in full.

1. The sharing illustrates the point. It might be a great sharing but if it doesn’t illustrate the point save it for another talk.
2. The sharing is the appropriate length. Avoid unnecessary detail as this limits the relatability of the sharing to couples in all stages of life. For example, if too many details about babies are given, older or infertile couples switch off. Rather, focus on the feelings and the interaction between the two of you – this makes your example universally relatable and relevant.
3. There is appropriate dismarriage seminarosure. Avoid sharing unresolved (very hot) issues. Avoid sharing your spouse’s faults – that’s their job! Both of you need to be comfortable with the sharing.
4. There is adequate depth.  The sharing should model for the participants how far we want them to go in their own reflection and couple discussion (they won’t go further than the presenters do!).
5. Avoid time-stamping it.  Share your most powerful example, not the most recent one and share it in a timeless context.
6. Remove justifications  – e.g. ‘Luke was late home from work because of a deadline or a counselling crisis with one of his staff’ – just –  ‘Luke was late’ is enough.
7. I sentencing and L.I.F.E. Ensure you use “I feel” statements and avoid “I felt that” statements (The word ‘that’ after a feeling changes the meaning and can result in a judgement).  Model the L.I.F.E. process to reinforce it for the couples. Be especially careful of this in the Family of Origin talks.

Workshopping

When the sharings are written, workshop the sharing locally with your designated workshopper (usually a Facilitator or experienced Presenter). The workshopper will focus on the following questions:

1. Does the sharing illustrate the point? – Sometimes couples choose an example that does not really hit the mark or they emphasise some aspect of it that is not the point.  Read the instructions for the sharing first and check that the sharing actually illustrates the point.
2. Is it concise? (keeps to the point and does not wander off?) Avoid lengthy travel logs.  Some writing will be good therapy and good for your journal or another talk. In this case it will be necessary to file the writing in your journal and, after some direction from your workshopper, continue writing. Focus the sharing on the emotional layer rather than the situation.  Situations and event details provide a reference point but should not be too lengthy.  Avoid giving too much detail.  For example, if you are using the example of how you related during the time your child was in hospital, avoid giving all the details about the child’s illness.  All you need to say is that your child was seriously sick and in hospital for x days.
3. Is the sharing appropriate? That is:
   – Does not put down one or the other spouse.  It is OK to share your own failings but not your spouses.
   – It is not too intimate.  Make sure the sharing isn’t so intimate to be a turn off.
   – Is not a live issue you are still arguing over.  If it is a living argument and you can’t tell the story without getting angry or upset with each other, choose another example.  Couples can sense unresolved issues and it can be distracting.
4. If only one sharing is needed – choose one. Sometimes there will be two or three possibilities, but only one is called for.  Don’t put them all in.  Choose the one which makes the point most marriage seminarearly
5. Is relatable
6. Allow for a balance of sharings throughout each session. We need to avoid one or the other spouse doing all the sharing – couples need to hear the perspectives of both husband and wife.

Where possible, workshopping should happen locally with a marriage seminar facilitator following the guidelines.  If extra support is needed, such as when establishing a presenting team in a new area, workshopping can be done remotely. Ideally, workshopping will be done face-to-face so that couples can get to know each other. When this is not possible, email and phone can work very well.

Talk Content

Each talk is carefully structured to provide essential input into the psycho-spiritual process of the seminar experience. It takes several seminars to fully appreciate the subtleties of this process which is why we differentiate between a Presenter and a Facilitator.  All talks need to be workshopped by a Facilitator before being presented on a marriage seminar.

The emphasis on the workshopping needs to be on the personal sharing component The content of the talk should not be altered  – rewriting the content is a lot of work for both the presenters and the workshopper to ensure the meaning of the talk does not change and essential input is not lost or ‘hijacked’ from another talk.  It doubles the workload.  Moreover, the big impact in the talks happens in the sharings. This is what participating couples remember and why focussing your energy and time writing this part of the talk is so important.  Some sharings are very difficult to write. The process of writing them and having them workshopped will lead you as couple into deeper self-awareness and intimacy. It is the main benefit of being a presenter – you will grow through the process of preparing your sharings.

The outlines change each year as a result of feedback from team and participants and are part of the essential need for marriage seminar to maintain relevance as new insights emerge from theologians and research in relationship science. Talks should be regularly reviewed against the outlines on the web and updated each year. Changes to an outline are highlighted for six months so that previous presenters can identify the modifications.

As Celebrate Love grows as a result of global demand it is important the text remains consistent.  This enables the message and the experience to remain intact and protects the integrity of the seminar.

Formatting the talk

Once your sharings are workshopped, go through the entire talk and nominate sections for each spouse to deliver. Allow equal time for each. If there is an occasional word or phrase that jars, it is okay to rephrase it, but please avoid major rewriting as it distracts you from the more important tasks of recruiting or practicing the talk.  Save your talk on your computer with the talk title, your name and the date in the file name. Make a back up!

Talks need to be printed for presenting on single sided paper without staples – this way pages can slide rather than be turned (turning pages can be visually distracting).

Next Edition – Talk Presentation

Authors: Luke & Vanessa Van Beek, Francine & Byron Pirola, Michael & Tricia Casey.