Presenter: Debra Vermeer

Freelance journalist and editor; Author.

Summary

This presentation was given to the Life, Marriage and Family Network on August 21, 2025, by Deborah Vermeer, a freelance journalist, Catholic convert, and author of Life to the Full. Drawing from her personal journey of infertility and the stories of other Catholic couples, Debra highlighted the pastoral challenges faced by those struggling with childlessness, particularly feelings of grief, isolation, and spiritual questioning.

Debra emphasized that the core pastoral response needed from the Church is accompaniment—helping couples feel seen, known, and loved within their parish community. Vermeer offered practical suggestions for pastoral care, such as greater sensitivity in parish communications, more inclusive blessings on Mother’s and Father’s Day, and providing access to spiritual direction and faith-based resources.

Notable Quotes

  • “If I distil it down, I think the one thing that everyone could be gathered around in terms of pastoral need is accompaniment.” (14:17)

  • Regarding the blessings on Mother’s Day – “Something about that is really very, very painful when you’re having infertility problems… a sense of feeling left out and overlooked like you have to stay sitting because it hasn’t worked out for you.” (28:36)

  • “People have to know that they’re seen, known and loved by God and God’s people.” (32:37)

  • “Yes, yes, I can be a spiritual mother, I know I can, but what I really want to be is a biological mother. So at that point in the journey, that’s difficult.” (38:54)

Detailed Insights

Pastoral Challenges:

  • Couples struggling with infertility often experience profound grief, loneliness, and isolation, particularly in parish life (10:43, 14:53).

  • Certain times of year, such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Advent, can be painful “trigger points” (16:21, 28:07).

  • Many face a faith crisis, questioning God’s goodness and feeling like “Catholic failures” when they are unable to have large families (21:26).

Pastoral Responses:

  • Accompaniment emerged as the single most important pastoral approach, offering presence, empathy, and ongoing support (14:17, 32:37).

  • Suggested responses included:

    • Providing spiritual direction and access to the sacraments (21:26).

    • Offering inclusive blessings on Mother’s and Father’s Day (28:07).

    • Inviting couples into ministry roles, affirming their dignity and belonging (27:26).

    • Developing resources, retreats, and support groups for those experiencing infertility (25:50, 45:37).

  • Pastoral workers were advised to use empathetic language and avoid rushing to concepts like “spiritual parenthood,” which can feel dismissive during deep grief (38:54).

Themes and Trends

Recurring Themes:

  • Loneliness and isolation within both family and parish contexts (14:53).

  • Profound grief at unfulfilled parenthood (16:21).

  • Accompaniment as the central pastoral need (14:17, 32:37).

  • The call for sensitivity in parish practices and communications (28:07, 43:21).

Emerging Trends:

  • Growing diocesan awareness—with some dioceses offering infertility retreats and reflection days (25:50, 45:37).

  • Digital pastoral care—recognition of the need for online resources, as couples often first seek help on the internet (11:33, 30:36).

  • A shift toward inclusive, relationship-based ministry models rather than purely administrative approaches.

Watch the presentation below: